My 10 worst MySpace ‘selfies’ from the mid-00s

I know there’s been a mixed reaction to the whole no-make-up selfie thing, and an array of valid points are being made across the board – but £8m is £8m, and in terms of fundraising for cancer research that’s a fucking brilliant amount of money.

The participating female population has done a spectacular job of generating such a massive wad of cash so I thought, in an effort to #domybit, I’d share some absolute CORKERS I found tonight while cycling back through my old MySpace page.

The amount of late-onset shame I am feeling right now is genuinely beyond words. “PC 4 PC”?

You gotsta text BEAT to 70099, if you haven’t done so yet.

This, everyone, is teen narcissism at its angsty best. Ranked from least hideous to most hideous.

10. This one wouldn’t be so bad were it not for A) the HEINOUS use of contrast, and also B) the original caption, in which I somehow liken myself to Natalie Portman’s “JUST TAKE MY PICTURE” bit in ‘Closer’.


9. Casual smoulder attempt… with a bowl cut… in the bathroom.


8. Subconsciously modelling myself on a mix between Goldie Hawn circa-1969 and Ellen DeGeneres.


7. Just no life behind the eyes whatsoever. HELLOOOO?


6. Before the days of Instagram, if you wanted a border that looked like a film reel you had to make it yourself. By ‘you’, I mean ‘me’ – nobody else was sad enough to do this.


5. Chandelier = sophistication.


4. There’s a lot to love about this one. The obscene use of Photoshop-assisted contrast. The OC poster in the background. The random glaring light in the top corner which I’m guessing I added on a computer afterwards. But the best thing is the attempt at retouching my face; resulting in a slightly unsettling Melting Skin look.


3. The time I dyed my hair brown (!!!!) and then took a picture of myself looking off to one side. Nobody took this for me. I put it on self-timer.


2. The backlight. The desperate use of Photoshop editing. THE NAME. Was I trying to mock-up an album cover or something?


1. NOTHING about this photo doesn’t make me want to claw my face off. NOTHING. The worst part is I honestly don’t remember if the white backdrop is a pre-existing curtain or if I PURPOSEFULLY HUNG ONE UP for this magnificent photograph. Can this be on the front cover of the Order Of Service at my funeral please?*



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